Still Around
This is going to have to be brief, 'cause I have a lot of work to do at work, and I'm never not at work.
Brief update: I'm still working my ass off, but, paradoxically, I /we still have no money. Since I often find mere breathing to be something of an off-putting chore, current workload had me a little overwhelmed last Friday at the futility of it all. I'm marginally better now; that is to say, there's still no light at the end of the tunnel (assuming the desired result is material comfort), but I feel less weighed down with hatred, resentment and fury (the anomie, futility and ennui are still, for better or worse, fully intact). I am, however, left perplexed that I still can't make enough to cover basic expenses even when working at a rate that I can't possibly maintain.
This is nothing new, of course. I've been broke since pretty much the moment I graduated high school, to one degree or another. What I've lost in the interim is that sense of confidence that I was answering to a higher calling, that there was something beyond material comfort for which I was working. Having lost faith in pretty much all higher callings--art, enlightenment, social change--I essentially abandoned all other pursuits, at least temporarily, to bombard my debts with the fruits of perpetual labor. Now I see that perpetual labor provides no fruit (unless you count a four-cup-a-day coffee habit as a "fruit"). So I'm kinda back to square one.
Other than that, I guess I'm fine. My health has been better, but it's been worse. I've shaved the goatee. I could afford to lose a few pounds--this schedule has been hell on my exercise regimen--but I've been in worse shape (and the size 34 jeans I bought this fall still fit, so I can't be expanding all that much). We celebrated 'Stine's birthday last weekend, which was a roaring success; but she already told you that story. My only disappointment was that I expected some sort of spiritual uplift from it, a sense that, as ineffectual and impotent as I may be in financial and artistic forums, as empty and disconnected as I may be in matters of spirit, that I could still prove capable of a generous and giving act. Yet somehow I still felt like I'd failed, like the real effort and investment had come from other people. That said, her tattoo looks good (although we'll probably need some color touch up on some of the details), the movie was solid and the party was a true surprise. Success!
I'm pretty excited to have two mornings of sleeping-in in a row next week (I get an administrative holiday the day after Christmas, what with the holiday falling on a Sunday), and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that after we cover our hundreds of dollars in overdrafts & overdraft charges this week, there'll be some money for me to do some last minute Christmas shopping (the funding needed to do it before now has simply never materialized); I'm not overly worried, since I went all out on the birthday, but I'd still like to find some nice knick-knacks to make the next year a little more fun.
I've had some possible CD reviews brewing, but those take the sort of time my schedule just doesn't allow for now--maybe after the 1st of the year (I've already got a new 2nd job lined up, but it'll be both fewer hours and lower pressure than the current supplemental income machine). Until then, a happy holiday to all.
Brief update: I'm still working my ass off, but, paradoxically, I /we still have no money. Since I often find mere breathing to be something of an off-putting chore, current workload had me a little overwhelmed last Friday at the futility of it all. I'm marginally better now; that is to say, there's still no light at the end of the tunnel (assuming the desired result is material comfort), but I feel less weighed down with hatred, resentment and fury (the anomie, futility and ennui are still, for better or worse, fully intact). I am, however, left perplexed that I still can't make enough to cover basic expenses even when working at a rate that I can't possibly maintain.
This is nothing new, of course. I've been broke since pretty much the moment I graduated high school, to one degree or another. What I've lost in the interim is that sense of confidence that I was answering to a higher calling, that there was something beyond material comfort for which I was working. Having lost faith in pretty much all higher callings--art, enlightenment, social change--I essentially abandoned all other pursuits, at least temporarily, to bombard my debts with the fruits of perpetual labor. Now I see that perpetual labor provides no fruit (unless you count a four-cup-a-day coffee habit as a "fruit"). So I'm kinda back to square one.
Other than that, I guess I'm fine. My health has been better, but it's been worse. I've shaved the goatee. I could afford to lose a few pounds--this schedule has been hell on my exercise regimen--but I've been in worse shape (and the size 34 jeans I bought this fall still fit, so I can't be expanding all that much). We celebrated 'Stine's birthday last weekend, which was a roaring success; but she already told you that story. My only disappointment was that I expected some sort of spiritual uplift from it, a sense that, as ineffectual and impotent as I may be in financial and artistic forums, as empty and disconnected as I may be in matters of spirit, that I could still prove capable of a generous and giving act. Yet somehow I still felt like I'd failed, like the real effort and investment had come from other people. That said, her tattoo looks good (although we'll probably need some color touch up on some of the details), the movie was solid and the party was a true surprise. Success!
I'm pretty excited to have two mornings of sleeping-in in a row next week (I get an administrative holiday the day after Christmas, what with the holiday falling on a Sunday), and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that after we cover our hundreds of dollars in overdrafts & overdraft charges this week, there'll be some money for me to do some last minute Christmas shopping (the funding needed to do it before now has simply never materialized); I'm not overly worried, since I went all out on the birthday, but I'd still like to find some nice knick-knacks to make the next year a little more fun.
I've had some possible CD reviews brewing, but those take the sort of time my schedule just doesn't allow for now--maybe after the 1st of the year (I've already got a new 2nd job lined up, but it'll be both fewer hours and lower pressure than the current supplemental income machine). Until then, a happy holiday to all.
posted by thelyamhound at 2:54 PM
17 Comments:
Ly--so sorry that the work isn't paying off. I myself have felt like a little hampster running on a giant wheel of debt lately.
For good or ill though--it was a treat to find a new post.
I'm calling the insurance company presently.
Please try to put good money juju out in the air. The universe listens.
I'm trying . . . but then, I'm not sure what that means, exactly, which may explain the weakness of my juju. I guess I thought that taking on this job, that agreeing to put aside the task of figuring out what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life in the interest of stabilizing our finances constituted a sacrifice, which should constitute "good juju". It seems, sometimes, like "good juju" means pretending that things don't suck when they really fucking do (or is that "American exceptionalism"?). I'd try to distract my mind from the matter of money; but with the exception of my marriage (which, for the record, rocks; I'm an extremely lucky man), every other aspect of my life pretty much looks like an ashen pile of spectacular failure.
No, now I'm just being pissy. Yes, you're working on your stuff. Yes, we're doing what we can. Maybe things will look a little better when we're not trying to keep up with the holidays, and the income actually . . . well, comes in. It HAS to work, eventually, because there's little chance that I, with no degree, no skills and debatable intelligence, am going to be making any more per hour anytime this decade.
I try to have faith . . . but in what exactly? Myself? A demonstrated, crashing failure. God? I've little to say on that except that as a matter of observation, I'm skeptical; as a matter of emotional reaction, I've more rage than reverence if such a being has allowed this world to be what it is. The Tao, the Law, ki, the existential pantheon of choice? If I could make these things work, they have the ring of truth . . . but there's still the aggravating fact of life itself, the fact of I, an organism that consumes resources and can't justify them because, well, I have nothing to contribute, my one perceived contribution having run dry.
Sorry. This is my fourth or fifth response on this thread, and I've erased them all, 'cause I can't seem to quench either the despair or the sarcasm. Truth be told, I have no choice but to hope this current trajectory starts to bear fruit, because any change of course at this point will mean a significant reduction of funding, not an increase. I'm not employable at a higher wage.
The sad irony is, all of this is making it so hard to work. I mean, I'm literally working too hard to work, requiring ever longer periods of recharge to tackle the same task at half the speed I could do it yesterday.
All right, I'll stop. It's clear I can't express anything without it turning into a fine whine. This is why I keep meaning to cultivate an enigmatic stoicism (I'm always just worried that people will interpret it as slack-jawed stupidity . . . which it might well be, which is really what worries me most: that what I've been allowed to believe is my intelligence is simply an anxious neurosis that uses all manner of semantic chicanery and dialectical diversion to cover up an utter lack of imagination or analytical aptitude).
holy crap, hound. How much energy do you spend just kicking your own ass to next Wednesday?
Your list of grievances (not bloody whingeing, you goofball), is actually pretty short; namely, you'd like to have more money. What's long is the number of ways you cut, demean, and devalue yourself.
Q: "because there's little chance that I, with no degree, no skills and debatable intelligence, am going to be making any more per hour anytime this decade." Sez who?
Q: "every other aspect of my life pretty much looks like an ashen pile of spectacular failure." Sez who?
Q: "the fact of I, an organism that consumes resources and can't justify them because, well, I have nothing to contribute, my one perceived contribution having run dry." Sez who?
A: You.
Nobody else thinks you have nothing to contribute. Nobody else thinks your life looks like an ash-pile of failure. Nobody else thinks that you can't make more an hour than you presently are except you. These limitations are self-imposed, bubbah.
And no one will be able to remove these limitations outside of yourself.
Whatever else you may think of the Buddhist faith, by the way, it never promises to solve your problems for you (and be leery of anything that says it does). You still have to do the leg work.
And so, what do you do? I honestly don't know, but the self-immolation's gotta stop. It's not healthy, and, as already mentioned, it's getting in your way.
I still think you have a lot to offer as an actor/writer. You have a unique look that can probably be exploited with the right agent.
You also expressed interest in teaching martial arts, only way to achieve that is to dedicate time to learning that again and working your way up the ranks. yes, it means money, but think of it as an investment.
These are but two examples of things you could possibly enjoy doing, there may be more.
Ultimately, Lyam, it's not that hard to fix this situation, but it takes perseverance, and the willingness to believe it can be done.
Leave it to the beige one to be the hound's voice of (t)reason. Good points, all well taken.
Some thoughts . . .
How much energy do you spend just kicking your own ass to next Wednesday?
Dammit, I was shooting for Thursday. I'm so fucking weak!!!
What's long is the number of ways you cut, demean, and devalue yourself.
It's not length that matters, but girth. Or how you use it. Or something.
Nobody else thinks you have nothing to contribute. Nobody else thinks your life looks like an ash-pile of failure. Nobody else thinks that you can't make more an hour than you presently are except you. These limitations are self-imposed, bubbah.
Probably. I think saying "nobody else" thinks so is a little broad--I'm sure I could find a naysayer or two with an even lower opinion of me than I sometimes hold of myself--but that doesn't defeat your point: it just qualifies it.
The job hunt (1st or 2nd jobs) seems to bear out the hourly wage thing; but you and I both know the mad rigours of job-hunting, so maybe it's just the current climate. It's hard to discern what's a reflection on the me vs. what's a reflection on the now. Considering current financial woes, though, I'd need about twice my current hourly to be able to cut the second job and make a go at a mere 40 hours. Not really likely for a non-college grad with, at best, highly intangible skills.
And no one will be able to remove these limitations outside of yourself.
Agreed. But where to begin?
Whatever else you may think of the Buddhist faith, by the way, it never promises to solve your problems for you (and be leery of anything that says it does). You still have to do the leg work.
I surely hope I haven't given the impression that I think little of the Buddhist faith. I just don't happen to place my own faith in that particular paradigm. I agree that religion oughtn't solve personal, temporal problems. Where religion may serve me, were there one that seemed to offer me the desired ring of truth, would be in offering hope in times of crisis (of which I have none) and faith that there's a worthy goal towards which to work the proverbial legs (of which I have less than none--faith that is, not legs).
I honestly don't know, but the self-immolation's gotta stop. It's not healthy, and, as already mentioned, it's getting in your way.
Agreed. I think I've been applying it in a misguided attempt to "toughlove" myself, shame myself into action. All I have otherwise is ennui, a sense that there's nothing to yield enough satisfaction to be worth my time.
I still think you have a lot to offer as an actor/writer. You have a unique look that can probably be exploited with the right agent.
Yeah, maybe. We've discussed my lack of interest in what's happening onstage these days, and the not-so-hot times I've had in my last few shows, so . . . I want to offer something, really. And to be fair, part of my discouragement at this time goes back to the whole feeling that I'm doing this in a vacuum, that certain other physical actors with whom I've recently worked get Genius Awards while I've been laboring at the same game in obscurity with nary mention (not to disparage his work in any way shape or form).
I do want to explore writing for myself, though I have trouble imagining what I could possibly do in that vein that would be of any interest to anyone. And I still want to do SOMETHING with music, whether it's to write it or write about it (at this point, I'd be satisfied to be able to buy it, and maybe discover something about which I can be enthusiastic that I don't have to wait until I'm alone to listen to it). I just . . . don't think acting is where it's at for me; and whatever the merits of my writing, my playwriting has always been lacking. I'm better at discourse than at drama.
As for film--an art form for which I do still have some enthusiasm--I just don't know those pathways. I had to read in the paper--the PI, of all things, a middlebrow daily--that they'd just finished a local project in the Tarantino/early Peter Jackson vein. A gore film!! In my city!! And no one even called to tell me there was an audition!! I just don't know where one even finds out about these things.
You also expressed interest in teaching martial arts, only way to achieve that is to dedicate time to learning that again and working your way up the ranks. yes, it means money, but think of it as an investment.
That's actually precisely where I want to go next, since it's the only thing in which I haven't completely lost interest that I still feel fairly capable of doing (for a few more years--I'm a little worried about the shelf life on these knees). And I DO think of it as an investment . . . but there's less than nothing to invest at the moment, and I can't possibly work any harder to come up with said investment. If I had reason to believe there was such a thing as a martial-arts educational grant, or if dojos offered financial aid, that'd be one thing. As it stands, I have to solve the money problem before I can even begin work on the second career. If I could solve the money matter, time wouldn't be an issue, considering that I have less than no interest in ever doing theatre again unless theatre suddenly, magically becomes more interesting to me.
These are but two examples of things you could possibly enjoy doing, there may be more.
There may be more, but I haven't seen it. We can hope.
Ultimately, Lyam, it's not that hard to fix this situation, but it takes perseverance, and the willingness to believe it can be done.
Ah . . . faith again.
The money part, I'm afraid, is VERY hard to fix, as illustrated by the amount of effort I've put in and the utter dearth of payoff. I can't do more than work all the time: that's where money comes from. A better attitude isn't going to make more money magically appear. The problem is concrete, the steps I can take to rectify it have come to a head, and said efforts have failed to make a dent in the problem. This isn't an abstract matter, it's the reality I'm sort of stuck with, at least for now.
The directionlessness may be fixable if I can find the money to invest in martial arts training (or the inspiration to rejoin the ranks of performing artists, whether by way of the sudden invention of a new theatrical form or a burst of creative energy that finds me writing killer material for myself and self-producing). But then, refer to the paragraph on the money issue.
All in all, I understand what you're getting at. But I can't fix the problem if I can't see the first step . . . or if I'm hindered by too much time spent working and too little funding. Or, for that matter, if I'm so clouded by my hatred of my last few theatrical experiences that I can't even remember why I wanted to perform in the first place.
Not really likely for a non-college grad with, at best, highly intangible skills.
And yet, I, without a legitimate college degree (AAS in Broadcasting isn't exactly a resume' silver bullet), and making more than a respectable living, along with benefits. It may not be likely, but it is possible.
And yeah, the job climate in Seattle ain't the best, but ya gotta move like a shark, until you find something that fits. I seriously can't recommend working at the UW enough. If it can sustain louts like The Moshe, Kirk A., Karen/Peggy, Josh K, and myself, it can't be all that bad.
But where to begin?
How about starting with the one that keeps you in your brilliant yet labyrinthine head? Getting stuck in one's head is an easy easy trap to fall into, and you know I speak from experience.
Ultimately though, you're going to have to leave the confines of caution and risk.
Case in point:
I surely hope I haven't given the impression that I think little of the Buddhist faith. I just don't happen to place my own faith in that particular paradigm. I agree that religion oughtn't solve personal, temporal problems. Where religion may serve me, were there one that seemed to offer me the desired ring of truth, would be in offering hope in times of crisis (of which I have none) and faith that there's a worthy goal towards which to work the proverbial legs (of which I have less than none--faith that is, not legs).
Firstly, no, you haven't given that impression.
But do you see what I'm getting at here? You want whatever your personal answer is to provide you with both hope and faith, along with the ring of truth.
Hope is a state of mind, not something you find on the road.
Faith begets faith; like money, you gotta spend some to make some. Which leads directly to:
How can you find the ring of truth in anything, if all you're doing is researching things? You gotta test the shit out, man. You gotta see if theorem A does lead to epiphany B, because otherwise, all you're doing is reading books and getting nowhere at all. It's rather easy to dismiss something you haven't given a fair shot.
This is why I have arguments with JJ about this sort of thing, and philosophy in particular. Too much time in one's head never helped anybody.
as illustrated by the amount of effort I've put in and the utter dearth of payoff.
This and the whole "twice the energy to do half the work" tells me you're simply not happy with the work situation. Find something else. Do you like nature? Apply with the parks system. If you don't mind sitting in front of a computer and typing shit out, try the admin. assistant route. Get out, and find something that you wouldn't mind doing consistently, while you train for whatever it is you end up wanting to do, martial arts, performance arts, whathaveyou.
Or, for that matter, if I'm so clouded by my hatred of my last few theatrical experiences that I can't even remember why I wanted to perform in the first place.
this is an important question and answer. Not that it would change your current outlook on theater. You may find the answer, and it may not change your mind about not wanting to do it. (Just as martial arts may not be the answer either...you won't know until you try...)
I say this, because your friend's getting the Genius Award from back-assward the Stranger gets you worked up...I mean, if you're doing it for the snobby and biased reviewers at the Stranger, you're not aiming high enough. There's more to this world than those assholes.
I know you're looking for recognition, but listen: Look at my resume, and then tell me why it is that I still get blank stares or no replies from the likes of Savage, Wieking, Schmader (his and my first writing pieces premiered in the same venue, the same weekend, etc.) or any of the big hitters? yeah, I'm on friendly terms with a couple of people, but how has that translated to my general benefit?
Fuck 'em all. "There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
And, may I say, you've received your fair amount of accolades. Don't make it sound as if people ignore you or think you're shit.
for the love of fuck, I'm here way late. I gotta go, but try to grok what I'm saying here, don't feel as if you need to deflect everything.
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I just need you to understand one thing above all (other matters can be discussed over time): I LOVE my job, more than I have ever loved a job before. And I DO get benefits, and I'm willing to bet my wage is in the same ballpark as that of the people you used as an example. Unless the UW pays $20 an hour, there's no WAY 40 hours there will cover my expenses. Kirk A. and the Moshe don't have Christine's medical expenses to cover, nor are they likely shouldering our level of debt. They CAN'T be. Even with my working a second job for a total of 65 hours a week, and Christine plugging away at massive amounts of massage, expenses are about 1 1/2 times what we're actually pulling in to pay them. Period. So if you know of a bunch of $20/hr jobs for non-college grads, by all means send them to me. If you're talking a $10-15/hr. desk job with health insurance and vacation time, guess what bub? Got it. Not-fucking-enough. Hence the second job. Which I thought would be enough to both cover our bills and pay for a martial arts class now and again. I was wrong. I'm not tired, angry and overworked because there's something wrong with my job. I'm tired, angry and overworked because my expenses exceed what one job--indeed, what two jobs--can cover, even with Christine's income to supplement. And nothing at the UW, nothing you're doing with your 40 hours, is likely to make any more of a dent in that.
You made some good points in the rest of the post, and I'll address them at another time. This part just required a swift rebuttal.
I do think you'd find that I've "tried out" paths, both spiritual and artistic, more than you give me credit for doing. I also think you're overly dismissive of book learning. If, say, I find aspects of Buddhism too Rousseauist (to put it in western terms) for those aspects of my worldview which are supported both by my reading and my experience, it may not mean that I can't or shouldn't try it out (and I have, more than you may realize); but it does mean that my doubts have foundation both in the experiential realm and in an intellectual tradition well-ingrained, yes, in my head. That's not a slight to the validity of any belief system, but it may be seen as a credible caveat to its applicability.
You bring up an interesting point on the Genius Award matter, and it bears noting that you're right: I should aim higher. And have. What that illustrates to me--and you touch upon this where I failed to do so, so thanks for pulling that out--is that the work itself has lost its sense of satisfaction to such a degree that I require the recognition to make it work. I actually hit that spot before, in college, and recovered from it about five years later. I had a similar experience with writing, and have, perhaps, never fully recovered from it. The point is, the fact that I am so ganked by some story in a local rag only illustrates that I'm not having any fun. I haven't had fun since . . . well, I won't incriminate myself or others by naming shows. Let's just say I'd have to go back a fair number of shows to remember having fun, and I'd have to go back a few more to find one in which I was artistically satisfied. No, that's probably neither fair nor true; but the satisfactions have been fleeting, and the sense of it being something of a pointless chore has grown to replace anything I'd come to recognize as a reward.
Is there some situation, some circumstance, under which I may find myself writing or acting for the theatre again? Well, if I haven't torched every bridge out there by even talking about this, yes. Or maybe not; maybe the future is in Krav Maga or Muay Thai. Or maybe I'll find some way to fuse theatre and martial arts. Maybe I can use both to explore the music that intrigues me, find ways to adapt it to the instruments that I already know how to play. Maybe I'll decide that I'm happy just letting these things be my hobbies, and not worry too much about pushing paper during the day. This will require, however, reaching a point of great enough financial stability that my "job" is confined to the day, with a full day off now and again. Reaching this point will inevitably take months, possibly years, at the current rate of things.
re: Swift rebuttal, those points did need to be clearer, so thanks for the clarification.
So if you know of a bunch of $20/hr jobs for non-college grads, by all means send them to me.
And you're still being equally dismissive about finding well-paying work "without a college degree." do I have one, do I know what they are? No, but that doesn't mean it can't happen, nor that they don't exist. Besides, I never looked for one.
You're placing a lot of emphasis/importance on one aspect you think you can't overcome, and that's pointless. "Self-fulfilling prophecy" and all that shit.
"We'll never get out of this debt" vs. "This shit is tough, but we'll get there"
Which statement do you ascribe to? The answer provides the key to the "good money juju" that was mentioned earlier.
I also think you're overly dismissive of book learning.
I wouldn't say that this is true. I love books for both the wisdom and knowledge they can impart. But, as far as I'm concerned, book learning shouldn't take up more than a third (and that's being generous) of one's decision-making or life-leading process.
Why? Because it leads to sentences where you say something is Rousseauist in nature, and not have to explain it further. Man, that's handy. It's nice to have an instant intellectual defense mechanism that allows one to remain in one's head.
So, yeah, you're gonna have to parse that "Buddhism is Rousseauist" a bit further for it to hold any water with me. I'm sure it'd help if I were more conversant in philosophy, but, frankly, I don't have time for it. There's a life to live.
Otherwise, I'm just going to assume that you liken Buddhism to a hot older french actress on Lost.
I do think you'd find that I've "tried out" paths, both spiritual and artistic, more than you give me credit for doing.
What I do or don't give you credit for doesn't mean anything. I mean, yes, I've seen you do the reading, and Stine tells me you've dabbled in some Buddhist activities, and the rest of that, and great. But you're assuming that what I want you to do is to go whole hog into the Buddhist realm. I mean, yeah, sure, it'd be great if after fully exploring your options you ended up there, but that's not the kernel of what I'm concerned with.
The kernel is simply this: Your default seems to be Defeatism. No matter how long you've gone down a certain path, you find something (like "Rousseauist," for an example) to jar you out of what you've done so far, and head back to square one.
It's not even Nihilism, because that implies a certain amount of pleasure to be taken from what you're doing, destructive as it may or may not be.
No, it's Defeatist thinking that seemingly rules the day. It's Defeatist thinking that allows you to say things like "my life is an ashen pile of failure." It's Defeatist thinking that allows you to assume that "it's impossible for someone without a college degree to get a $20/hr. job."
Ultimately, the thing that leads me to say that you haven't explored anything deeply enough, is that you end up back at this most negative and most damaging way of thinking.
-----
However, here's the thing. All of the extra work you're doing must be doing some good, or else why put yourself through 65 hr. weeks, and no days off for months on end?
If after a couple months with the new 2nd job it really isn't making that big a difference, you gotta ask yourself which is more important: Not making a dent vs. your general sanity.
And you're right, you're both coming up to some seriously challenging times ahead. Stine's operation, how long her recovery period's gonna be...a lot up in the air right now.
A lot is riding on how you steer the ship in the storm ahead.
All I'm saying is that assuming you're going to sink before you even get to the storm isn't the best way to go about it.
Sorry for the over-simplification.
You know I love you, TBO. And there's little there with which I can disagree. Little or nothing, in fact. The reason I go for weeks at a time without posting is that sometimes all I have is angst, and I don't thrill to being called to defend my expressions of how I'm feeling.
My only real contention is that I'm doing all I can do right now to rectify ANY of my situations, and I don't seem to be making any headway. It may just be a matter of waiting for things to pan out; I'm just getting impatient because, as I mentioned on previous posts, I fear my options may be narrowing as a result of my age . . . which goes to other matters of fixating on youth and beauty, ageism in our culture and, if we imagine that writing about music or composing any sort of musical or opera is in my future, the fact that 90% of people I know over the age of 25 only like music that sucks.
I'm in a place, basically, where further action isn't possible for the time being, and progress as a result of the current course of action has yet to be demonstrated. So yes, I'm a little sunk in the despair right now, because there's nothing I can do RIGHT NOW to change things.
The Buddhism-Rousseau thing is too dense to get into right now, but let's just say that a) I do NOT embrace or advocate true pacifism and b) I tend to believe, more by way of Darwin and Sade than by way of original sin, that our essential nature is fallen. We'll never have time to really get into all the details of that, let alone the nuances of the Rousseau/Sade debate, Blake's resolution thereof, differing views on pantheism, hermetism or deism, Giordano Bruno, what have you. It's possible that I may still find room for this framework in Nichiren Buddhism (though I think that my "strain" of it would be as, say, Calvinism to Catholicism), so don't think I'm dismissing anything. It's just a matter of core beliefs, truly visceral and experiential, that I happen to describe by way of literary and philosophical references because they're there for anyone to read, and, well, because it saves me time of having to explain it myself (and considering how long this synopsis is even WITH those references, aren't you glad I saved you the time?).
Anyway, take care. This has been nothing if not invigorating, strangely enough.
I love you too, hound, and that alone is reason enough for my vehemence, if that's the word I'm looking for.
Otherwise, some food for thought:
Current US population is just under 300 million. What's 10% of 300 million? Still a lot of people.
Also, re: Pacifism in NSB, remind me to talk to you about Shijo Kingo. (Hmmm, I've been meaning to find a new topic for the buddha blog.)
Hee, hee.
I'll assume the 10% to which you refer is people over 25 who like music that doesn't suck. Point taken.
I'm curious to see the Shijo Kingo topic on your Buddhist blog, just to see where you may be going with that.
Wow, what a long thread there btwn you and TBO. You're lucky to have a friend that is willing and interested in going there with you to that degree. I agree with him on many points. I've been debating whether or not to comment on this post, mainly because to say, "hang in there, it has to get better," sounds so trite, and possibly even insulting, considering I've never been in your position, so I don't know shit about it. We all make our own decisions, and then get to live with their consequences. I decided that material comfort was important to me, and having someone provide that for me was the best way to accomplish it. I live with the consequences (good and bad) of that decision every day. You decided not to complete your degree, and you live with those consequences. That doesn't mean you can't go back and rectify some of those situations, if it turns out that the consequences are unacceptible. (I know you can't go back to school NOW, but I don't think it's an impossibility forever.)
It sounds to me like you're expending a lot of energy running to stand still. Yeah, that's exhausting, and frustrating, and kindof sucks. But, what's the alternative? I have to believe the alternative is worse, or you wouldn't be doing it.
One last thing, be nice to that Lyam guy, he's my friend and I love him, and I hate to hear anyone talking shit about him. ;)
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Thanks, Amanda.
I don't know that I could have foreseen the consequences of not getting the degree, or that the pursuits for which I abandoned college would eventually become so meaningless to me. That's the real trouble with consequences: they don't really proceed in linear, mathematical fashion from point A to point B. They're as organic and chaotic as . . . well, humanity itself.
And to be fair, if I'd finished the degree (and I had, like, 300 more credits than I needed, so it would have been a matter of taking a handful of survey courses), I'd have a liberal arts degree, which would probably qualify me for about what I'm doing now, give or take some teaching jobs that wouldn't pay much better and probably wouldn't find me teaching anything I considered to be of value.
So all in all, where I am is where I was likely to be. It's my own fault for buying into the erroneous belief that I was a visionary, that the sheer force of my brilliance and charisma was going to catapult me into minor stardom and future deification.
As for going back to school, I'd probably just study something like philosophy, and be just as unemployable as I am now.
Yes, I suppose that if I weren't running to stand still, I'd be . . . well, standing still to fall way, way behind. So I must be doing better than I could be doing.
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